"I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind."

Acknowledge the unwelcome presence, but don't make it comfortable.

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 05:51:46 GMT

I wish he knew how I really felt. ♥

♥

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 22:50:09 GMT

I just don't get it

Thu, 18 May 2006 02:27:45 GMT

I really don't.
Why would you want to be alone?
Why wouldn't you want someone to be there for you?
It doesn't make sense,
but then again who/what makes sense these days, honestly?
All I know, is that I miss those continuous text messages I received through out my uneventful day,
I miss having someone I could be myself around,
I miss laughing my ass off with him,
and I miss having someone that I considered a very close friend.
But there's nothing I can do about it for my decision has been placed in someone else's hands without my permission.
He was the closest thing I had to a best friend.

UGH RESEARCH PAPER IS STRESSING ME OUT

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 23:37:54 GMT

I've been stressed out lately with my overdosage of homework & I've been trying not to procrastinate, but I feel as if I slowly am giving in to the procastination. So let's just hope I prove myself wrong when it comes to that. But gahh, I've had an eventful last 2 weeks, lemme tell yah, good & bad. I've been hanging out wit this boy named James & he is fuckin awesome. He just moved from Florida & I met him in my safety ed class. I can be myself around him & I love it. He's just chill & fun to hang with. I can see a really good friendship coming out of it. We are da shit. mos def. ahah.

Optimistically speaking..

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 18:23:14 GMT

It disappoints me that when you are caught in the moment with happiness involved, the time passes you by with such little notice. I think time can be envious sometimes of what it can't contain & as much as that makes me wanna get up in time's "grill" about it, I can't. Time is an animate object at which we give human characteristics. But when you think about it, it all evens out down the road. The time in which you are elated, will fill up that half filled glass of yours until it's overflowing. All those 6 hour visits with him that felt like only an hour, will be met the next 5 times you hang out with him. Time has spread out the good times like slippery butter on a slice of bread. It's giving us our happiness in short doses, so we can sit & enjoy it. So we can long for our next visit with happiness. The good times will overcome the bad times. ♥

another good day!

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 04:28:27 GMT

someburros +
playing with little kid toys in target +
inappropiate light saber fights +
alex shooting gabby with cheap ass gun that doesn't even work unless alex uses it +
sitting down & doing nothing
+ scary hallways

=

alex & gabby's day

i'm so good @ math.
bahaha.
literally.
:]
& i'm now good with alex's gun.
bahaha.

TONIGHT WAS FUN.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 05:48:53 GMT

me & sara d had a gurl's night out.
& it was off the hizzle.
we ate food.
laughed our asses off.
talked about coming home.
tried on shit.
sang random beats.
dissed the scene kids.
banged my knee on the chipotle gate. bahaha.
walked around the mall a billion times.
i stole a zumiez sign too:

bahaha & put it in front of ROXY.
o yahhh.
STORE RIVERALY
ahah.

yah tonight was swell!
i ran into people too that i've missed.
aka; anthony & zenya! :]

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 20:54:40 GMT

first i went to my softball party which was aight. i kind of felt blah, but i think it was because i didn't have an energy drink. i swear if i don't have one in the morning, my morning/afternoon is ruined.

last night was probably one of best nights i've had in a while. i went to the mall with brianna franey & alex! i freakin love those two.

brianna's shoes

alex likes taking pictures of holes.

alex takes pictures of lame things sometimes.

eww close up. ahah.

trying to slip through the hi health glass.

the lady turned her head a little when brianna took this. ahahha.

alex loves chipotle,

but i hate chipotle. :]

BACK STRETCHES.

ASS SHOT #1

chipotle, again. ugh.

69.

CLEAVAGE.

a red dress i tried on. i'm so glad i had the camera when i tried on the other one. ahah. if only you saw.

brianna wearing spiffy sunglasses.

alex's BOAT SHOES. ahha.

brianna likes fire estingeeekjerlks.(sp?) lol.

wtf is up with all these pictures of shoes? shit. ahha.

ASS SHOT #2. i swear alex likes taking pictures of my ass. SICK. ahah.

omg, alex is in a picture.

ahh good night. :]
brianna slept over & i fell asleep early.
& today we fed the ducks.
it was pretty kick ass.
i saw a male duck dominate a female too.
it was rough. ahah. ♥

i'm losing all my friends,

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 22:46:12 GMT

but you don't care. ♥

roses,

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 04:31:09 GMT

dan came over & "suprised" me with roses.
the one thing i've always wanted a guy to give me.
he means the world to me,
he really does. ♥

she doesn't like games.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 01:08:06 GMT

i'm not falling into your trap like an easy animal.
i am not participating in your reindeer games.
go find another fish to tempt with bait.
i no longer want to be attached to your clingy hook.
i'm not that desperate, for my mother told me;
"there's more prettier fish in this polluted sea, so let it be. stop itching this topic of love like a flea."

bullima & the pressure to be perfect

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 02:58:58 GMT

she was holding it in, holding in her lack of confidence and unwanted promises. she was keeping it in her, trying to atleast. she could taste the vodka from last night creeping up on her tounge. oh how vigoring the taste was she thought to herself. the turbulance was not helping her, she was trying to hibernate, but kept being rudely interuppted by it. it was only 8 o'clock in the morning and the bird she was on had had it's share of alocohol already. she felt like she was on a malfunctioning indiana jones ride from disney land. she wasn't on the happiness place on earth.the passenger beside her sat still and observed her every movement. he knew what she was going through; self denial. so he leaned over and spoke words from his ass to her left ear: "let it out, let it out no one will think poorly of you darling. here's a paper bag, now go and gag. no need to worry about your reputation, it's accepted everywhere like your visa card."

"do you have a skin disorder?
for you skin isn't white like snow white's.

are you wearing a wig?
surely you are because the roots of today's society are blonde & i don't see a strand of it dangling from your head.

where are those big boobs of yours?
i doubt they are hiding underneath your low cleavage shirt, they are supposed to pop out like a child's pop up book. but that's ok don't worry about it. there's an alternative, it's called "silicon."

why aren't you skinny?
lose some weight you obese cow. stop eating, starve yourself. don't feed the animals."

our society is pathetic. they overflow us women with questions & give us reasons to not believe in ourselves. they want us to have low self esteem, they want us to give in. don't give in to what you aren't. ♥

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 23:39:01 GMT

I CAN NOT WRITE POETRY ANYMORE.
le sigh. ♥

mobsters, gangsters, & violence oh my. (this is what we call dinner suicide)

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 00:10:54 GMT

they were exchanging akward glances @ the dinner table while the drinks kept coming & coming. the more non acholic beverages she consumed, the more drunk she became. (& to think what would of happened if the waiter "accidently" spilt a lil rum in her dr. pepper.) her body was trembling & you could sense it in her voice. her voice was trembling, & you could see it in her eyes. she didn't have enough time to cover up her pimples. it was so obvious for her blush was blushing. her top was reflecting off her nervous vibes in each & every angle the light hit it. the talk was small & short & was followed by a whole lot of nothing. his dad was watching her every move as if he was trying to find a flaw to throw in her boy's face. his mom, well, she didn't seem to mind the girl, so it's safe to say she was okay there. the girl's main entree consisted of bland steak with fresh vegetables & denial tossed to the side. he rejected her eating utensil hand. he was preoccupied with what was behind him. so she then became occuppied with her plate. she felt as if the dinner was being drawn out too much. she didn't want to be there for a persistent amount of time. she had other things to not do. the dinner was slowly followed by a dessert & a kodak moment. before the flash, she smiled & he smiled. after the flash, they toned down the overexagerated smiling, but not the closeness. they were too lazy to move away from each other. (atleast that was their excuse.) when their stomachs had aten themselves, they decided to leave. on the ride home, they were still close & continued to grow closer. the sad part was that the ride was too short for them to reach each other's lips. she left the car that night with a stomach that didn't settle right, a might, & a kiss goodnight. "you'll never realize how close you are with someone until they are far away."

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 23:03:02 GMT

i'm losing him & there's not much i can do about it.

he had somehow stumbled across a heartache..& pepto bismol won't do the trick this time.

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 23:48:57 GMT

i stole your heart with the worst intentions
& i say that with the nicest intentions.
finder's, keepers, baby.
i think you'll be able to survive without that organ.
i mean who honestly has a heart these days?
not you anymore, that's for sure.
but if you are that desperate, you could always get an artificial one.

she cut off his circulation
& let the blood rush to his heart.
she wanted him to feel the tingling sensation
that tore her apart.

and her lyrics were lame, but who are we to blame her for not feeling pain? granted, if she had felt any horrible feeling before, she might have written something worth reading. but you just can't write about a feeling you've never felt. you're lying to your readers. you have to try everything once and only once. you can't dwell on one emotion or else you will corrupt urself to become the emotion instead of vice versa. lower yourself to plagerism, you need it.

& the rumors spread like a hooker's contagious stds. she needs to keep those diesases to herself & only to herself. we don't want to have to deal with it, for we already have to deal with life.

If you guys keep leading her on, she'll fall behind, & never play follow the leader again unless she's the leader. ♥

someone talk dirty to me & make my thoughts about love go away.

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 13:20:46 GMT

i don't need you to explain to me what you feel my faults are. especially when you are just stating facts that are based on your own opinions. & guess what baby? those facts, don't mean a thing to me.

today will be the greatest day of my life. today is the day where i get to play dress up & be a model. (dressed to fulfill baby.) today is the day where you will realize how much you need me (& how much i don't need you.) today is the day i will feel liberated from the stress that had once overcome me. (a renaissance if you may.) today is the day i will show me off. & the best part of today will be the look you give me when you see how gorgeous i am & can't do anything about it. i am your biggest regret, your deadliest threat, & your reason to fret. i am something that you lost due to your own faults. "You can't reedeem your prize without the proof that proves that you won me fair & square." & you didn't have that proof.

& i've lost more than i have gain, but i'm not going to let that get in my way..for i am going to be a motivational speaker so i can motivate myself to keep on going without you. i'm slowly strengthening my heart so everytime it's inflicted by hate it will deflect love back.

you'll be deaf & i'll be mute so then our feelings will never be heard of. we are a black & white movie in silence. our relationship will never progress at this rate. ♥

let's make myself look bad.

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 16:34:33 GMT

ugh. i hate it when i have a lot on my mind. i can never enjoy myself. & i hate it how no one is online right now cause i want/need to talk to someone. last night was horrible. & i will not go into details because i am trying my hardest not to think about what has happened these last few days. it doesn't do anything for me, but make me feel more like shit. & when i try to think about the good times i had with him, it confuses me even more & makes me sick to my stomach. i don't get myself anymore, atleast at the moment. so last night i put all my feelings on the line & took a chance & decided to write a story about someone. here it is:

there once was a girl who wanted something just to want something. she couldn't live without a guy in her life. there was no motivation without one. she constantly needed love and attention. she needed to be told everything would be alright when everything wouldn't be alright. she would rather hear lies than the truth just so she could temporaily feel better about herself. she had no confidence whatsoever in herself. she couldn't act like she didn't care to save her life. her personality was never steady. it consisted of many highs & lows & everything in between. she was irrational, (atleast that's what she was told) but at the same time logical. she had a hard time confronting people about issues she had with them. she would try to keep everything inside of her, but never could do it. she felt like she had to tell everyone everything that was going on even if it wasn't there place to be in her place. she wasn't as strong as she made herself out to be. she cried for no reason. crying was her way to soothe herself, to let all the conjested mucus out of her. she wrote poetry when she was sad & damn good poetry. she knew her poetry was incredible so she would act like her poems sucked just to get positive feedback. she didn't believe in love or atleast she tried to force herself into feeling that way. she would say "sorry" when she didn't even do anything wrong, just because she felt guilty. she would say false things about herself just to make others feel bad for her. she cared about what people thought about her. she worried more than she needed to. she never could find the right words to say.
her name was Gabby.

a long story.

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 19:14:18 GMT

"who do you have a crush on?" he said as he exhaled a deep sigh. he held his anger well, (like liquor baby) but she could still sense the presence of anger with her inferior senses. she didn't know what to say. her blood rushed towards her heart & not her brain. (& we all know that we can't think with our hearts.) so she just sat there fiddling with her dr. pepper bottle with that awkward look on her face that showed she was displeased. he knew all of her facial expressions so she could never leave him guessing. (he knew her more than she knew her ownself.) she started to peel away the wrapper on the half filled bottle with her horribly painted fingernails. she was too sick to her stomach to finish what usually cured her own stomach aches. he decided to ruin her fun yet again though, by taking away her distraction & tossing her aspirations away with it. he then placed his hand on her left cheek & forced it to the right until her eyes were perfectly aligned with his. he wanted her to look at him & nothing else. it was a difficult task for her for she never took life seriously. how was she supposed to sit there & gaze into his eyes with meaning? as she meditated on that thought he went through the list of names that he could settle with, but somehow forgot to mention the one obvious name that would make the most sense. she responded "no" to all the questions with a horizontal shake of the head. "who is it then?" he asked it in a soft & gentle voice that would normally appease her. her eyes drifted away from his & somehow ended up on the sidewalk beneath her. he kept trying to shift her body towards him, but she refused to let such a thing slide. he then became repetitive with the question, "who is it?" she didn't like it when people peer pressured her to put her feelings out in the open. it was as if she was being pushed into a corner with a blade drawn to her throat, defenseless, vulnerable. she was an innocent bystander who just happened to get mugged, mugged of her own words. the knife was becoming quick aqquintences with her throat. she had to think fast, if she wanted to live. the knife was digging into her throat, almost about to suffocate her. (& she never could hold her breath long under water..so you know what that means.) he asked the question one more time, & this time she surrended her integrity. the blade was discarded from his tight grip.

this is what we call the climax of the story.

fuck it.

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 23:30:02 GMT

FUCK IT.

fuck love.
fuck friends.
i don't need any of it.

I SUCK
i can't do anything right.
i am a bitch.
& i can't write poetry anymore.

"it's over. & i never want you to fuckin talk to me again."

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 04:35:20 GMT

& i don't believe in love at first sight. how can you love an anonymous person who lacks a name? it's logically impossible based on my studies..but then again, i did repeat the same experiment the same way to get the same result over & over again. if only i wasn't so nervous to mix it up a little bit. "Not everyone makes mistakes. The only people who don't make mistakes are the ones who limit themselves to doing what they are capable of doing."

"love" was soooo last year. what were we thinking when we accessorized it with our broken hearts? it just doesn't look good anymore. get over it. ♥

oww my body is sore & covered in bruises & cuts

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 01:33:34 GMT

OKAY,
so here's the deal:
i am going to act like you don't exist because i can't help it but resist to look at you because you are what makes me exist. i can't even tell the difference between a run-on sentence & a complete sentence thanks to you.

i really want you to feel sympathy for me after what you did to me. so i brought a whole orchestra to play you Sympothy No. 9 in D minor. hopefully you will catch the drift of what i mean. if not, i'm on my knees begging for your pathetic plea.

he humiliated her in front of everyone. he might as well should of shot her & made a scene actually worth watching. (when violence is involved everyone all of a sudden becomes all eyes and ears) because at that exact moment she was no longer immune to his crude remarks. "It's hard to stand up for yourself when you have already fallen." & she is just too selfish to accept a helping heart, but she is strong enough to atleast admit it. ♥

UGH

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 22:45:56 GMT

i feel that these poems suck. so give me your input.

tonight i've planned a night for me, myself, & you. it will consist of tv reruns of my past, (which would give us all a good laugh.) cheap microwavable meals that taste like plastic, & used cigarettes. bring the wine & we'll call it a date. (please be late.)

& i swear that i will smoke that same exact ciggarete (i smoked aprox. 1 year ago when i was graced with your presence) & see if to this day it will give me that same nicotine high i got when i was with you. so take a deep breath & let it settle in your lungs. if you gag, then it wasn't meant to be. just stick with the gum. it would be better for your health. old habits are easy to get rid of when you actually try. i feel sorry for the ones who let their own habits devour them. ♥

i just don't know anymore..

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 18:50:49 GMT

idk what to do. i'm so confused. ugh. dkfjdkfjkje.

i've been enclosed to only writing about one subject. i need my thoughts to be free & be able to roam. (like a sprint pcs cellphone.) you bound me down with no other options. my only option is to be with you. A, B, C, & D are all the same answers. can i choose E?..so i can make you see that i need to flee from this crime scene that will soon be you & me? I don't want the records to show that I murdered you.

let's scramble up the puzzle pieces. (make a more difficult decision.) can we put back together you & me? o wait, nvm. there's one piece missing. (i think that's a sign, but idk..) a puzzle isn't complete until the last piece is placed. & you aren't that last piece.."You can't force something that doesn't fit perfectly together."

i was working on my story..

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 23:53:58 GMT

& i ended up writing a poem while writing it:

his smile took the focus off everything for her. nothing else could catch her eyes attention. they were occupied. "We're sorry. Come back later." she had found a overall decent item on the clearance rack. she couldn't just let this opportunity pass her by. (like the planes in the sky.) the lights were shining on him. he was the main attraction. & there was no expensive fees needed in order to gape & witness it all.

"My God, that boy is beautiful."